My mom is the chinese one. I’ve lived overseas in beijing since I was really little. But I went to international schools and all of my friends were expats. I spend time with my chinese family, speak fluent chinese, but I’ve never been really immersed in the culture there, which I regret some. Now I’m back in the US, and I feel more asian. I look white, but if you look closely, you can see some asian in me. I identify with white more, but that’s just how I’ve been raised.
I’m a freshman this year, and highschool’s hard enough already, but I’ve just come from a whole different continent, I’ve spent my whole life there. Everything I knew was there. And there is not one asian person at my whole school, which is really hard, and I’m not even full asian! I live in a small town. I’m used to 21 million people and my high-rise!
I guess it’s hard being a hapa where I live, some people might not be so open-minded and friendly to mixed races. People are nice, but it’s hard to relate to people. I’ve never met another hapa before in person.
I used to feel lost, like I didn’t have an identity. I moved everywhere, constantly changing schools. I would feel like there was a tug-of-war going on between my parents. There would be conflict on how to raise me. Now I have a new little sister, I don’t want to feel the same as I did, so I hope that she finds her identity sooner than I did.
Checking boxes for your race is one of my least favorite things to do. Why should I have to choose between my mom and my dad? Some people say that hapas have an advantage. They can choose any one race, but why would I want to choose? If you asked me what I was, I would now say that I am half chinese, half white, and 100% proud of it.